For what its worth

Facebook ...

2012-02-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

Facebook facebook on my screen
Tell me tell me were he's been

Has he checked into a bar
Or maybe somewhere after dark

Facebook facebook tell me true
What has he been telling you?

More work needed

2012-01-07T20:46:00.000-08:00

Denial - Thoughts that "if I just do (fill in the blank) " or "if I just don't do (fill in the blank)"

Anger - Failure to allow yourself this stage can do more harm then good. Allow it, feel it, move through it.

Bargaining - Either with ourselves, in our head ... "One more chance and I'll be better listener". Or with our partner ... "Really, I know how to be a better partner now." Or with your greater power ... "PLEASE ! I can't live without him!"

Depression - We need to force ourselves to go out and do things that interest us even though it feels like the last thing we want to do.

Acceptance - I'll make it. I grew as a person and it's all ok. I've learned from this experience.

People change. We might even get bored with each other. We as people evolve; our circumstances change - and sometimes relationships can't be maintained as a result. But if you really know your partner, the changes won't be as shocking.

When there is an imbalance of power in a relationship, it's always a sign of disaster. Equality is the key. We need to be involved in every aspect of our relationships. Be present.

We don't start into a into a relationship wanting to make each other miserable. We want to be the best we can for ourselves and our partner.

Some of us have an inability to connect deeply to our partner. And it makes us feel single even when we're in a long-term relationship.

No partner can give you the security, or love unless you're willing to give that to yourself first. Our heart longs for someone else to do it for us.

Sometimes we "zone out","check out" in our relationships because being in any relationship is better then being along. We don't want to make waves, rock the boat.

Is being to close a bad thing? Do we suffocate our mate? If you look towards your partner to keep you safe and happy they will eventually start to resent you for doing the work you need to do for yourself.

Before we point the blame we need to look deep inside. Are we hiding things from ourselves? Do we need to make some changes?

After a break up we need to put our self first before we can really enjoy our next relationship. We need to look out for us first. We need to really get to know ourselves. Then we are ready to enjoy the type of relationship we deserve.

Remember ... we are all a work in progress.

If dogs could talk

2012-01-01T17:44:00.000-08:00

If dogs could talk would we really want to hear what they have to say?

"How come you only feed me twice a day?"
"You know what ... your shorts don't really smell that good"
"That walk we take everyday ... its getting kinda boring. Can we try another block?"
"Your singing ... STOP !"
"And about that radio you leave on when you leave ... PLEASE change the station. A dog can only handle so much of 70's rock!"
"And another thing. That dog you call my brother ... he's not my brother. If I had any say in the matter he would be so outa here. He pushes me out of bed, steals my treats and when you aren't looking he pee's on the side of the couch. AND he eats his poop! Gross!"
"And one last thing. I HATE this dress I'm wearing. It washes the color from my eyes"

On the other hand ...

"I love you" can never be heard enough.

Today is Sunday ...

2011-10-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

I've always loved Sundays. Even as a kid I loved the lazy way a Sunday enveloped me.

As an adult I love the way Sundays seemed to linger. Sleeping in late(well, as late as the dogs let me). Reading. Running errands. Spending time with the dogs. Brunch with friends. Planning for the week ahead. Church (that one is for my mom). Taking in a movie or two.

Sundays are like an aperitif. The perfect end to a great week.

A few of my favorite things

2011-10-22T11:24:00.000-07:00

Don't You Remember - Adele
I Drove All Night - Cyndi Lauper
Kiss Me In The Rain - Barbra Streisand
My Bonnie - Laura Smith
Stay The Night - Jane Olivor
Ti Amo - Laura Branigan

When All Is Said And Done - ABBA

I guess I'm feeling a little melancholy today. But I think we are all allowed to. It's good for the soul.

We shouldn't wallow in melancholy(ness) but a good sadness cleanse is good for us all.

So having said that I am off to do what all good cleanses start with ... a new outfit. Look out Neiman Marcus, here I come.

Time to move on

2011-10-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

Relationships are never easy, right? When two people get together you are bound to have differences. You like vanilla and he likes chocolate. You're a morning person, he loves to stay out late. You love cats and he wants a dog.

But you work it out. You compromise. You go out on a date once a month and stay out as long as he wants to. You buy Neapolitan ice cream (and give the strawberry to the dog that you compromised for).

But sometimes it just doesn't work. No matter how hard you try to make it work the other half of your life just wants to give up. He's had enough. And at that point you need to realize that its over.

You need to stop wallowing in self-pity and pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with your life. You need to stop being afraid of what's out there and get on with it. Life goes on and so will you. Friends and family will gather round you like a circle of wagons and protect you. They will be there for you to talk to, cry with and eventually laugh with at the end of the long dark tunnel that you see before you. That dim light you see far, far away ... its your new life waiting for you.

But in order to move on and open yourself up to a new relationship you also have to take responsibility for the one you are leaving.

Maybe you weren't supportive enough in the things he did. Maybe you left the cleaning up to him. You might not have been motivated enough in your business life to strive for more, to make yourself better. Yes, even lazy. Maybe you suffocated him in the relationship. Not allowing yourself the freedom to do things outside the two of you.

And after you have allowed yourself to forgive, you and him, its time to move on.

Time to say good-buy to the house that he made a home.

Time to leave the tree's that you planted in the yard that flourished more then the relationship did.

Time to split up the things you have collected and cherished over the years.

Time to do what's right for you and move on when you finally realize that nothing you do or say can fix the last few years together.

Time to move on.

Dog vs. Flea

2011-08-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

It's easier to empathize with the dog than the flea.
- Eric Greene

But why?

We all do it. They are both living, breathing lives. They both have a heart, lungs, a brain, etc. They both feel pain. But we have no problem squeezing the life out of a flea between our fingers. Is it because the flea can't look us in the eyes? Or maybe because the flea is infesting our "family member"?

I struggle with animal ethic's everyday. I eat pork and beef but the thought of eating a dog or cat makes me light headed. I'll have a chicken salad sandwich, but a Parakeet on sour dough? I'd rather eat my dirty shoe.

I know I'm not going to be popular with my vegan friends, but ... I tried to be a vegan several times. Longest hour of my life. My body needs meat. Hypocrite? Me? Yes. And I am not happy about it.

I have three dogs and a cat that I love with all my heart. I would live under a bridge before I gave them up. But for lunch today I had a chicken burrito and didn't think twice about it. Now that I'm writing about it I wish I would have chosen the veggie wrap.

I'm in the middle of a great book, "Some we love, some we hate, some we eat" by Hal Herzog. Its all about our relationships with animals. I don't agree on some of his views but some make a lot of sense. One chapter asks "Are dogs suck-up's compared to cats?". You have to be a cat and dog person to understand that.

How many dogs are euthanized each year? How many people go hungry each year. Think about it ... they are already dead, right? Please don't get me wrong. I think it's the most unimaginable scenario ever. But why? Is it the cuteness factor? The fact that we share our home's and beds with these loving creatures? Maybe because we are taught from a young age to love dogs/cats and eat cows/pigs?

What ever the reason, I find the relationship between animals and humans fascinating.

And don't worry, Bruce (my dog) is safe from becoming the family meal.

By the way ... would you ever eat a Patagonian Tooth fish? You probably already have. It's a Chilean Sea bass.

Food for thought, so to speak.

Renewal ...

2011-07-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months that you feel so good you feel like you have had an "awaking"? Only to find out it was all in your head. Things haven't really changed. You really didn't loose 3 pounds. Traffic is still as bad as it always has been. Reality can suck sometimes.

Well I have noticed that if you think and feel it ... it really does make a difference in your mood and environment. And things do fall into place. It may take some time but don't give up. There is a lot to say for positive energy.

Just ask Scarlett.

2011-06-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

‘An Incredible Spirit’

Fabiola Maria Herdoiza Correa, 75, of Overland Park

June 12, at home surrounded by family, peacefully from natural causes

Fabiola was born in Riobamba, Ecuador in 1935, the beloved daughter of Papa Justito and Mama Julita, and the youngest of seven children – one brother and six sisters. Fabiola came to the United States in 1952. She embraced her new country, yet was always fiercely proud of her Ecuadorian heritage. She and her devoted husband, Dr. Alfonso Herdoiza, were married for 59 years and raised three children together – Fabiola, Alberto and Elizabeth.

Fabiola was passionate about her love of family and friends. She was a wonderful mother and grandmother. Loving, tender, gentle, fun, warmly affectionate and so supportive of their happiness. “When I was fourteen, my mom gave me a blank check so I could buy my first horse. Because of that, I was able to follow my lifelong passion for horses”, said Lisa, her youngest daughter. Fabiola helped her children follow their dreams because she wanted them to be happy. With her unconditional love, she was a positive influence in their lives.

She also brought her passion to her work with charitable organizations and the community at large. She was past president of the Metropolitan Medical Society Auxiliary of Greater Kansas City, Cosmopolitan International and Mini Mundo. She served as a commissioner from Ecuador for the Mayor’s Ethnic Commission. She was very involved with the Lyric Opera Guild, People to People and the Lost Child Network, as well as many other local charities. Whether she was organizing Doctor’s Day or creating one gigantic fairytale bed for her grandchildren, she always made it memorable with her special, unique flair.

But her giving was also done on a very personal level. She had an enormous and compassionate heart, not only for her family but also for those in need. She volunteered for the Eye Foundation, Menorah Hospital and Truman Medical Center. “She treated other people with a truly Christian heart. In Ecuador, she would see people on the street in need and give them charity, and a hug or kiss”, said Lourdes Eguez, her niece in Ecuador who was like a sister to her.

Fabiola was gracious, fun to be with and truly a good friend. She was an amazing hostess, welcoming many people to parties at her home. Her parties were legendary, with enough food to feed an army and dancing until 2 A.M. She loved entertaining and she loved to cook. Her empanadas, ceviche and flan were the best.

She was elegant, fashionable and strikingly beautiful.

Alfonso and Fabiola were famous for dancing, expecially the tango. When they danced the tango, the floor would open and people would watch in awe.

Fabiola and Alfonso traveled extensively throughout the world, returning annually to Ecuador to visit family and friends.

Her husband, her son and his wife, her two daughters and their husbands, eight grandchildren, a great grandchild about to be born in June and extended family in Ecuador and the United States.

“My mom was a force of nature – beautiful, passionate, unique, loving, special… an incredible spirit who will always be with us”, said Fabiola, her oldest daughter.

In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to the Alzheimer’s Association.

Random notes on relationship's

2011-06-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

We all are either in one, had one or want to be in one.

As I remember from sex ed class you can create another human without all the bullshit of a relationship. Sorry ... did that sound negative?

Relationship's are a lot of hard work. All that communication stuff, sharing and more sharing of feelings. Wondering where he/she is when he/she calls and says "I'm working late." And now in the age of technology wondering why he/she spends so much time on his/her iPhone and laptop?

But on the other hand you always have a date to the prom.

Weekends spent together running errands, having lunch at the local cafe. Spending time at flea/farmers markets. Or just staying in watching sappy movies.

I have been lucky (?) enough to have been in two long term relationship's. As a matter of fact I have been committed since I was 17. I guess dating has never been my thing.

The end of a relationship is never easy, no matter how bad you want it to be. You would like to be friends but those damn feelings keep coming up.

Damn you love, want, need, hurt, happy, sad, affection, anger, angst, annoyance, anxiety, contempt, depression, envy, grief, guilt, hysteria, jealousy, loneliness, lust, misery, pride, desire, rage, regret, shame, DAMN YOU ALL !

But without all the bad we wouldn't have the good ... to get us through the bad ... awe, curiosity, desire, ecstasy, empathy, euphoria, gratitude, happiness, interest, love, lust, satisfied, surprise, wonder, pride, hope.

I see some of those emotions are playing both sides of the fence. Typical.

Change is good?

2011-05-25T21:25:00.000-07:00

I am a creature of habit. I haven't always been. I guess it comes with age. As a young adult I would do and go anywhere at the drop of a hat. It's Tuesday? 4pm? Lets go to Vegas. Saturday? 2am? I'm hungry. Now a days I have so many things to do before I am spontaneous. Vegas? Now? What about the dogs? I have a meeting tomorrow at 9am. Oh and gas ... what is it up to now? $4.19 a gallon? Lets see ... that's 360 miles x 4.19 a gallon. Plus food on the way ... oh and we have to stop and get a date shake at the Mad Greek. That will put us at the hotel at 1 but check-in is at 3p ... screw it I'm staying home !

That's how my mind works now. Very annoying.

When you are through changing, you are through. ~Bruce Barton

OK, that makes sense. Change is good, internally, mentally, theoretically, thoughtfully and so on. But what about when your surroundings change? Your way of life. What if you are forced to make a change? Your whole way of life. How do you deal with that? A therapist? Yes. But that's only going to get you so far. And its hard work.

You really have to work hard to change. You have to dig down deep inside your gut and deal with feelings you never knew you had or knew you did but buried them. It sucks.

We are all creatures of habit. Its in our make up, our DNA. We get comfortable. We go along not making waves. Living our lives for other people because we don't want to be thought of as uncaring or selfish. But if we aren't happy we can't live a happy life. Duh. Simple right? But how many of us live that way?

Change can hurt. It can be painful. It can feel like our heart has been ripped out and trampled on by a herd of horses. But when things do change we have to believe that it's for the good. We have to go along with it on blind faith.

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."
- Author Unknown

Instant gratification

2011-05-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

Therapy (mental)

Acting class

Art class

This is a partial list of some of the things I have tried in the last few years.

I've been to a therapist about a dozen times. I needed to be fixed and when I didn't get repaired soon enough my visits fizzled out.

I took two acting classes. When I didn't become Meryl Streep my enthuseasion ran out.

I attended 6 classes of a painting class. I even finished a great piece ... "Ape in the Wild". But when it didn't end up at the next Christie's auction in New York City, that to went by the way side too.

The list goes on, Red Cross Life Guard, Dog training, teen suicide operator for a 24 hour hot line. But that last one wasn't my fault. They called me back after the interview and said thanks but no thanks. But thats a whole different blog entry.

As I told my partner the other day ... "I try things and move on. When I'm on my death bed I wont wonder ... what if?"

Or is that the lazy way out? Who said "Anything worth while is worth working for"?

But for how long? How long must I try to be a great painter before somebody says ... maybe you should try cross-stitch? Is greatness just not obtainable for most of us. Or should we just say F it and try all until we feel fulfilled and be happy at that.

Maybe we need to pick and choose what to see through to the end. So I what if I gave up on art class before the gavel fell. Its not a matter of life and death.

But some things in life do deserve our all. Somethings need our full attention. Our family. Our friends. Our relationships. Our health, both mental and physical.

I have a few things on my "Done" list that I need to re-visit.

Do not be daunted ...

2011-05-08T16:44:00.001-07:00

Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

The Talmud

Optimist or Sucker?

2011-05-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that"

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

‎"In the face of a man's death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred"

- A statement released from the Vatican after the killing of Bin Laden

I posted these quotes on my Face Book page after learning of the "celebrations" taking place after the killing of Bin Laden. The fact that I was not in the streets dancing and singing with glee did not mean that I was saddened by his death. It did not mean that I didn't feel for the family's and friends of the 9/11 victims. I choose to deal with it in another way. I am not a religious man. But I do believe in God. I believe that He is with in us all. I believe He is a very personal being that each of us has to manifest within ourselves to live our lives in a peaceful loving way.

I am tired of all the hate in the world. Either because of religious reasons, economic reasons, sexual orientation,etc.

"People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?...It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not, it’s not going to change anything. We’ll, we’ll get our justice....They won the battle, but they haven't won the war....Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to work it out."

- Rodney King

   I know Mr. King has been made fun of for his quote. But really ... its not far from the truth. We are all here for such a short time. All the time, effort and money that we put in to hate could be spent so much better for the good of humanity.

   Yes, their has been evil people all through history. And they will continue to be here long after I'm gone. I understand the "need" to rid the world of evil. I understand the theory behind the need for fighting for that you believe in. But at times like these we need to look with in ourselves for peace.

   If I am being completely honest I have to admit that yes, I am glad we have one less evil being in the world. Who knows how many innocents have been saved with his demise? I guess I am saddened by the fact that the world we live in even has such evil.

What do they call someone who believes good?

Noun 1. optimist - a person disposed to take a favorable view of things

Or a sucker?

   I also want to make it known that as a son of a military man I have the up most respect for all the men and women in our military. I can not express the feelings I have for them as they put themselves in danger everyday. Either here at home or in countries around the world. They are the reason I have the freedom to write what I feel and think without fear of reprisal.

I got bored ... help us all !

2011-04-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

So I "LIKED" the Donald Trump page on FaceBook. I know, I know ... just walk away. Let it go. Live and let live. Blah blah blah. Anyway ... I wanted to see what his "fans" had to say about him. Wow ... tough crowd. I just happened to find an article on one of many lawsuits he was involved in. So I posted it.

"In 2006, Trump irritated some local residents when he raised a flag on an 80-foot pole, a height almost twice that allowed by town ordinances. He refused to take it down, and the Palm Beach city council charged him $1,250 a day for every day that it remained aloft. Trump countersued for $25 million, and the matter dragged on for six months. It was finally settled when he agreed to lower the flag 10 feet, move it away from the ocean and donate $100,000 to Iraqi War Veterans’ charities."

Fine, fly your flag. Just do it with in the law. I guess it had been a slow Donald week because he filed a lawsuit. Well, by the responses I got you would have thought I burned the flag and then tried to put it out by spitting on it.

"Unamerican"
"Nazi"
"FREAK"
and my fav ... "Commie Scum"

So much for a debate. They didn't care that he was breaking the law. They didn't care that his neighbors considered it intrusive. No, they just thought he should be able to do what ever he wants as long as he's being "Patriotic" and has the money to back up his behavior. IF (huge IF) he decides to run and actually wins is this the way he will run the country?

"We are America and we have the big bucks to back up our bully behavior"

Talk about "Ugly Americans"

Now that I think about it ... isn't that the way it was 2001 - 2009 ?

Please ... not again !

Diva or Duped ?

2011-04-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

   As a young adult in the 80's I lived for music. I always had the radio on or a record playing (yes vinyl). Music was a very important part of my everyday life. I wanted to look like George Michael and dress as cool and confident as Boy George. Music in the 80's was ... happy (Girls Just Wanna Have Fun), hip (Rock Lobster) and freeing (I'm Coming Out). It made me feel good about myself. But it could also be dark (Ballad Of Lucy Jordan) and dramatic (How Can I Help You Say Good-bye).

   The 80's was full of Divas too. Donna, Whitney, Tina, and of course Cher. We welcomed them into our bedrooms on a nightly basis. Singing about the boy that will never love us or the boy that loved another. They become our best friends, our sisters and confidants. They opened up their hearts to us and we loved them for it. We had our first and sometimes only female relationship with them. We loved and trusted them to keep all of our secrets.

   Then we grew up and realized they were people just like us. They got older, had problems, divorces and opinions. And sometimes their opinions didn't match ours. And our world was shattered. How could they turn on us? How could they have lied to us all those years?

   Years ago I learned one of my "Divas" did just that. Her whole public persona was a lie. She was not one of "our" biggest supporters. She did not believe that I was entitled to the same rights as her. My world crumbled. Dramatic? Yes, but I felt as if I had lost my best friend.

   I stopped listening to her music, did not watch any show she was a guest on. I cut her from my life. Again, dramatic? Yes. Childish? Maybe. But I was hurt. Beyond repair. That's how strong my "relationship" was with her.

   She had made me believe that I was special. To this day I think about her. I miss our time together. I miss our "talks". I miss her voice.

I miss my friend.

Moments ...

2011-04-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

At times I get moments of complete clarity. Moments when all is right with the world. Problems are not problems but challenges.

Moments when my relationship is perfect, or at least I see a way to make it perfect, fix it. Moments when time with my family is all warm and fuzzy.

Moments when lyrics to songs make so much more sense.

Moments when being away from my partner brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart. Moments when my feelings are so close to the surface you can see them as the hairs on my arms rise.

Moments of complete happiness. Like a drug, so happy that once again I have tears in my eyes. A joy about life, almost a spooky feeling, and in the back of my head I have an unsettling fear.

That it will end.

And when I finally get back to reality I think to myself "I should have enjoyed that moment more"

Once a killer always a killer?

2011-03-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

Tilikum is back. Don't know who, or what, that is? Remember back on the 24th of February 2010?

ORLANDO, Fla. — A SeaWorld killer whale snatched a trainer from a poolside platform Wednesday in its jaws and thrashed the woman around underwater, killing her in front of a horrified audience. It marked the third time the animal had been involved in a human death.

The 3rd time ? The first two deaths weren't enough to close down the park? And now Tilikum is back .... what ? for a 4th kill? I'm not putting the blame on Tikikum. Its a wild animal, no matter what we think, no matter how many tricks he does, he's wild. And being wild they will sometimes revert to wild behavior.

I really can't believe its being allowed back. Hey Sea World ! What's the magic number ? 4 ? 5 ? 6 ? I think Tilikum is trying to tell you something ...

Ignorance is bliss

2011-03-02T20:58:00.000-08:00

I remember not so long ago I didn't have ANY idea what the hell was going on in the world outside of MY world.

And I liked it that way. The world went about its business and I went about mine.

Liquid lunches with friends, Saturday nights bar hoping in a black limo. Spending money on designer clothes, shoes and bags. Dinners that cost more then my rent.

Then I grew up. I learned that there was a world beyond my eye sight. But this time I didn't like it that way. I learned people had problems. People died. People suffered. Animals became homeless, abused and killed.

I learned people could be mean, violent and hateful. Neighbors stole and cheated. Co-workers stabbed you in the back whenever given the chance. The company you gave your all for could replace you in the blink of an eye without as much as a thank you.

I guess the inter-net is mostly to blame for my "awakening". Hardly a day goes by when I'm not googling or blinging something or someone. Who am I kidding ... hardly and hour goes by !

Today was a particularly harsh news day. The Supreme Court sided with a bunch of sick-low-life-hateful-pathetic excuse for human beings. And a state wants to pass a bill that says someone is good enough to clean their toilets but other wise they don't need them. I paraphrase, but you get the idea.

So is ignorance really bliss? Yes, sometimes. But most of the time I'm glad of this new grown up me. I (we) need to know what's going on in the world beyond our backyard. We need to be there and speak up for the injustice in the world. We need to fight for the weak. We need to stand up and say "NO, that's not right!". We need to know what's going on in the world so we can make a difference.

Because if we don't who will? Them?

After all, today is another day ...

2011-02-28T13:22:00.000-08:00

Or something like that. So relationships are like the blue plate special, some days good, some days bad. But we keep going back hoping for a good day. And most of the time we get it.

Relationships ...

2011-02-27T19:52:00.001-08:00

Suck.

The End.

Ursula

2011-01-17T08:42:00.000-08:00

Last week we had to let our sweet Ursula go. At 12 years old she had developed kidney failure. It's only the second time I had to let a pet go, and trust me, its does not get easier. Ettore and I stayed with her until the end. I thought the pain would get less intense as the days passed. But it hasn't.

I miss her in the morning at breakfast.

I miss her waiting for me in the evening.

I miss her bitchiness when I tried to pick her up.

I miss her fur all over the couch.

I miss her presence.

Have a safe journey sweetness and wait for me at the bridge.

Then what ?

2010-10-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

I wake up, have breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, run for the bus.

Then what?

I ignore the remarks, I pretend the books don't hurt when they hit the back of my neck.

Then what?

I take my time suiting up for football, I hide in the locker room while the other boys take a shower.

Then what?

I stand in line while they push past me, I sit alone at lunch pretending I don't need friends.

Then what?

I walk home alone because I missed the bus while hiding from the class bully.

Then what?

I sit alone in my room while I hear the other kids play outside.

Then what?

I lie in bed as I hear the news from the TV in the living room tell of another teen taking his life.

Then what?

I fall asleep as the tears soak my pillow.

Then what?

I wake up ...

I look over at the man laying next to me. And a tear hits the pillow. I tear of joy.

I eat breakfast as the sun shines in.

I drive to work and think of the people in my life that I love, and love me.

I come home and kiss that man while he tells me about his day.

It does get better. But in between the agonizing bus rides, in between the hurtful remarks, in between the pushes, shoves and knock down drag out fights ... life happens.

The good that life can bring to you. The small glimpses of love and happiness is all there. The wonders that you have to offer. You may have to look harder for it, but its worth it.

That's what.

I dedicate this to all the teens that we have lost and to all the teens that we still have time to save.

To long

2010-09-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

Wow ... it's been awhile since my last post. Where have I been? What has happened? Let me think about it and I'll get back to you, soon, I promise.

Its the weekend ...

2010-06-12T11:00:00.001-07:00

It's the weekend and I have so much to do ...

1) Get dogs washed

2)Shop

3)Blog

4)Study

5)Read

6)Relax

7)Music

8)And all the other things the weekend is about.

But of course we all know what will happen ... nothing.

But then again, that's what weekends are all about.

Thank You

2010-05-31T11:36:00.000-07:00

Being Memorial Day I wanted to blog about the hero's in all the arm's of the military.

About how thankful I am to them for all the acts of heroism they perform everyday. Either on the battle field or back in the states behind a desk on the many bases in small towns across America.

I wanted to thank all the family's for the love and support they give their family members in uniform. The family's are sometimes the forgotten hero's. They give everyday, wondering if their loved one(s) will return home safe. And if they do return what horror's of war will they bring with them that may haunt them for the remainder of their days.

My father was in the Air Force until I was 15 or 16. Up until then I had never lived in the same town/house for longer then 2 or 3 years. I never went to the same school long enough to make friends that lasted more then a few years. It was our way of life and I didn't know any better.

Many of my friends now have lived in the same house / town since Jr high, or before. They went to the same church for so many year's the Pastor knows them by name. Sometime I wonder what it would be like to return home and drive by the house I grew up in, to walk in the park that I let my dogs run in. To return to school and talk to all my teachers about growing in the same town.

Then I remember the 2 years we lived in Germany and how we would vacation in the Alps or on the beaches of Spain. How we lived in Mississippi and my dad and I went gigging for flounder, and how I ran screaming out of the water and onto the safety of the beach after I saw an eel. I remember how I was in charge of raising the flag at school in Oklahoma City and the day the Governor visited and I raised the flag upside down.

That's when I remember what a lucky kid I was to have been brought up as an Air Force brat.

I guess it's true ... Home is where the heart is. And right now my heart is in Austin Texas with my mom and dad, or wherever they live.

Thank you for giving me such a rich and loving childhood.

I might have strayed from my topic but bottom line is THANK YOU to all the member's of our armed forces. It's because of you that I live in this great country of ours. And I'm able to have a blog and write whatever I feel.

Time ...

2010-05-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

I recently had 3 and a half weeks off from work. Well, I didn't really have it off I was on a medical leave of absence. Stress. I'm not a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon. I work in the entertainment industry. I know ... what kind of stress could I possibly have. Plenty. No matter what we do we have stress, all of us. Its part of the fast life we live. Get the kids ready for work, pack lunches, drop your mate off at work then drive 10 miles to get yourself to work. Get that paper on the lives of army ants in on time. Have dinner ready when the family gets home ... and so on. All stress makers. And we all deals with it in different ways. Drugs, booze,gambling.

Again, I'm going down a different road then I started on.

Time.

The first day that I was off I make a list of all the things I wanted to do. Paint. Write. Act. Blog. Work out. Walk the dogs. All great ways of elevating stress. The second day I turned on the TV. Need I say more. 3 and a half weeks is gone in a blink of an eye. Whoosh ... gone.

Now I'm back to work with no time ... no time to do anything I wanted to do.

Lesson learned? Yes ... next time take 4 weeks off.

Downward dog - Part 2

2010-04-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

I didn't fart.

I guess anxiety runs in my family. I know for a fact my dad lives on it. Either he's stressed out about my nephew Preston, or plutzing about me and ... wait, I don't think he thinks about me in that way anymore. GRAND KIDS ! And I know my sister has the same problem. We compare notes on the phone all the time about who is stressed out more ... and about the littlest of things.

Anyway ... as I was saying. After I got over the angst of not needing to pass gas I started to relax. I laid on my mat and just kind of let my mind wonder. It was a process at first. The thought of my stove kept creeping in.

Five minutes passed ... then ten. Was I suppose to do something? Start chanting from the book of yoga? Ring a bell? I always get nervous when my eyes are closed and its quite. So I opened one eye to look around. All the women in the class were just laying there too. Cool ! Nap time.

Finally the instructor started class. Sunday started Earth Week and as we lay there she spoke of being one with mother nature. Having roots with the earth. I felt so 60's ! As she spoke I could feel my body relax and I felt so comfortable. Very hard for me to do in a room full of strangers. Then the thoughts started ... " I am SO going to do yoga everyday!" "I'm going to become a yoga INSTRUCTOR!" "I am going to start my own YOGA STUDIO!"

After the L-Tryptophan took effect again I could relax. The rest of the class was spent at the zoo. Downward dog, the cobra and my fav, the Flamingo. I don't think that's the yoga term for it but its all I could picture ... 20 flamingo's standing on one leg looking to their leader for instruction (thank goodness I was next to a wall).

After class Carolann and I introduced ourselves to Yoda (or is it yogie? Or in this case a female, yogette?). I said I was a yoga virgin and she said she never would have guessed. Who knew Yoda had a sense of humor.

P.S. I will be going back ... as soon as I buy a mat, a yoga pillow, cute shorts, a few tanks to show off my tattoo ...

And the thoughts never end.

Downward dog or my first Yoga class

2010-04-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

I wandered into the unknown today, Yoga class. My friend Carolann caught me in a weak moment ... at a dinner party Friday night after a few glasses of wine.

"Sure I'll go ! Sounds like fun ! How hard could it me ?!?!?" forgetting my phobia about hard work. So Saturday morning I get a text ... "Class is at 930a Sunday, should I come pick you up?" Apparently she had less wine then I thought and remembered the whole conversation. Sure I thought, come by. I'll be in bed but come by anyway. I was sure I could talk her into a latte and shopping.

925a Sunday ... knock knock. I answered the door (with my latte). I knew the smell of fresh ground coffee beans would get her. So such luck. "Do you have a mat?" "Got your water?" "Are your feet clean?" Really? A mat? Water? Clean feet? Are we going camping with a podiatrist?

We got to the class, Yoga Blend, a few minutes early. Enough time for me to have an anxiety attack. The guy at the front desk was very sweet. I told him I was a yoga virgin "Welcome! We're so glad to have you! Do you need a mat? Water?" No I thought, I'm totally prepared to camp with the foot guy. As we walked down the hall to the class room I saw the shoes lined up.

Light bulb!

I took off my shoes and socks eager to show off my clean feet. The room was a good size with low lighting and hardwood floors. I could hear music softly playing, something you might hear in a monks temple (or at least what I imagined monks would play as my time spent with the Dalai Lama was so long ago).We placed our mats on the floor, mine behind Carolann. As I sat on the mat I had second thoughts about the real estate I had staked out and the looseness of my shorts. Oh well, she was an ex-actress, I'm sure my junk wouldn't be the first gay junk she had seen.

As I lay on my mat a thousand things rushed through my mind (and I'm quite sure one of the purposes of yoga is to CLEAR the mind). "Did I lock the front door" "Did I turn off the stove?" " "Can Carolann see my junk?" "What was that spot on the ceiling?" "Do dogs really see in black and white?"

As the teacher entered the room I felt a kind of calmness come over me. I really did. "Wow, this might be ok" Only to be followed by "I have to fart". Great.

More tomorrow ...

Saturday ramble ...

2010-03-06T15:56:00.000-08:00

So its Saturday and raining. And dark(ish). I should be reading for my exam on Monday but I heard a voice ... "Daaaaaaaavid ... I'm lonely". It was coming from my MAC. I had left him in the living room as I studied in the dining room. Yes I call my MAC a him, so what? Anyway ... I had an attack of ADHD earlier and left him unattended. Goodness knows what he got up to in his unsupervised time. I know I tend to get in trouble when left alone. I got my MAC two years ago and the love affair is still going strong. I was a PC man since the beginning of time and it was a hate / hate affair. MAC was MADE for people like me ! Click and drag ... what could be easier? But its presented a problem, I can't leave him alone. Day and night I can be found typing away at his keys. GOOGLE search - Elvis. BING search - what is the longest bridge in the world? Just the touch of his silky smooth keys get me hot. And boy is he fast ! And I can open many windows at a time. It really comes in handy for looking up on "Thesaurus". Rain, Rein or Reign?

I promise to ...

2010-01-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

be more supportive of all you do, no matter how small the task, no matter how trivial it is ... if its important to you it's important to me.

put the dishes away

be more responsible with money.

watch less TV and go out.

believe you when you say "I love you"

kiss you goodnight before we sleep.

believe you when you say its work i.e. Oscar's , drinks with friends, Abby, ex-wife's house.

believe you when you say "you matter to me" , "you mean the world to me".

play less Elvis, Eartha, Jane Oliver on Sunday's or when I'm depressed.

be less depressed.

to get less hysterical when Rhett says "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn" and when Laura doesn't turn to see Yuri.

dream in color.

be less jaded about love.

be less self-conscious.

believe in myself.

be a partner in our relationship.

carry half the weight, half the responsibility, half the burden.

adore love like Lady GaGa.

enjoy your FaceBook updates.

believe you really know all 1,097 of your FaceBook friends.

be my own person apart from you but still connected to you.

believe "he's a friend".

believe you're really tired.

not bitch about my weight while eating ice cream.

In short I promise to be more like the man you fell in love with while still being true to myself.

Guess who got a new camera ... ???

2010-01-11T21:45:00.000-08:00

Me ! I've had camera's before but this one is a Canon something or other. What I love about it most is it allows me to take really close up photo's. I took these in my garden over the weekend. I spent an entire hour looking for a bee ... when you are not looking for them they are everywhere. Of course the boys had to get in on the act ...

Poor Sweet Bruce ... so unaware that in the next few weeks he'll be chased, teased, coxed, prodded, bribed, hounded, nipped, dipped and clipped in order for me to get that perfect picture.

I miss you my dear blog

2009-12-17T15:02:00.000-08:00

I've decided having a blog is like seeing an old movie you haven't seen in ages "Ahhh ... I forgot how much I love you".

Lets see ... where was I ... oh yes, acting. OK next. Lets just say I need help in other departments before I try that again. I was terrified to say the least. But I did it ... for 3 weeks. That's got to be some kind of record for me. And I have to say I didn't suck. I got some kind of rush from it. Like from the effects of a drugs (not that I would know). When I wasn't peeing my pants I felt ... free. I know it sounds corny but it's true. But for now I'll keep the acting thing in by back pocket.

My next adventure is single life. Maybe. My partner and I have not been seeing eye to eye lately. We ( I ) am trying to work it out. Fingers crossed. We'll see.

Blah blah blah ...

2009-10-14T14:09:00.001-07:00

So here I am at work ( shhhhhh) blogging. Wrong? Yes. Necessary? Yes. Thanks to "Confessions of a Pioneer Woman" I am trying a new thing. To blog everyday ... or at least every other day, every other week ??? Who knows ... maybe I too will have enough readers for The Gap to advertise in my blog.

To be or not to be ...

2009-10-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

Maybe he should have written "To act or not to act". Ever since I can remember I have been practicing my Oscar speech ...

"I'd like to thank all the little people I stepped over on the way to the top ... "

Or ...

"I can't believe you like me, you really like me ! "

OK, maybe that last one has been said before. But in all seriousness I have always wanted to be an actor. I don't think a lot of people know that about me. I love movies and the emotion they invoke in people, in me.

Some of the best movies are the one's that make you laugh so hard you snort and by the time you leave the theatre your stomach hurts. Or the one that makes you cry even after the movie ends and you have to run into a corner of the theatre and completely lose your shit (long story, I'll tell you later).

The music, the camera angles, the dialogue, the story line. It all adds up to a feeding frenzy for my senses. On orgy of emotions. After seeing a good movie I leave thinking "I want to do that. I want to make people laugh. I want to make people cry."

Is it an ego thing? I'd be lying if I said no. Is it the lure of the money that can be made if you are good (and lucky)? Again, lying if I said no. Is it the endless lines of men/women just waiting to do anything you want? Again, lie. It's this but something much more. At least for me it is.

I told a good friend the other day I wanted to act, not necessarily be an actor, but act. Its something so deep inside me that I have been afraid to try. Something so necessary for me to live I'm afraid to face it. Something buried so far down that as I write these words the tears are forming. I need to act. And if I try and fail it will leave me a broken person. So guess what? I've kept it deep inside. That way I can't fail.

Until 2 days ago. I enrolled in an acting class. I was terrified. I had called in the afternoon after a good friend suggested this school (thanks CA ! ). A lovely girl (who I pictured to be 12) answered and in her perky, fast voice coxed me into coming in on Saturday. I agreed. I called my friend back and she insisted that I go THAT AFTERNOON ! What ? Are you nuts?!?!?!? But she knows me well enough to know if I didn't go asap I would find an excuse on Saturday not to go. And she's right.

So I went. Sweaty palms and all. Throwing up butterfly's all the way. Nausea, headache, fever, aches. Wait , maybe I was getting the flu. Maybe I was so sick I should stay home. Good try. I kept driving. I was going to face my fears, swine flu and all.

I'm not sure even my friends know how painfully shy I am. PAINFULLY ! If I enter a room and don't know anyone I will stand in the corner not speaking or looking at anyone. A lot of people mistake that for being a snob or an attitude of being better then everyone else. It's not. It's called fear of rejection. But why ? Why do we care what strangers think of us? I read on a FaceBook status once "Why are we nicer to strangers then we are to our own family?" OMG ... I am going down such a different street from the one I started on ! But I guess it's all intertwined.

Back to the story at hand ... but later. Its 1112p and I have acting class tomorrow. And my flu is back.

Good bye Diane

2009-06-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

On the 21st of May I lost one of my best friends to cancer, Diane. She was only 51 years young. I debated if I was going to blog about it. It seemed to cheapen her memory. Then I got to thinking about all the encouragement she had given me over the last few months with my blog.

That was Diane ... full of words of wisdom on how to live your life. And 99% of the time she was right. Diane was one of the most nurturing people I have ever known. Always a kind word, no matter how stupid you looked or how much you f'd up your life.

Diane had a spirit that nobody else I know has.

I have to pause here to let all my really good friends not to take offense at that remark. You are all so very special in my eyes and life.

Her spirit oozed from her. In her voice, her mannerisms, in her big brown eyes, but mostly in her smile. Her smile entered a room before she did. She wore her smile like you would wear a sweater you've had for years ... comfortable and always on.

We met in 1985 and became fast friends. I knew we would be friends forever when we went shopping together in Korea. Shopping, my fav past time. We worked at a travel agency together and we had a choice of Hong Kong or Korea. We chose Korea for the shopping. We flew over,in first class of course, and from the moment we boarded the plane we laughed. We were in Seoul for only 48 hours but managed to shop till we drooped. I'm not a very good flyer and on the way back we hit turbulence and Diane held my hand for 20 minutes, sweaty palms and all.

Diane was adventures. Always after something new, a new direction. Always trying to expand her horizons and encouraging me to do the same. Her passion was horses. I would meet her at Santa Anita for races. It always amazed me how she could look at a horse and tell me its name, where it was raised and who was the trainer and jockey.

We also shared a love for animals, especially dogs. Jordan was the light of her life. He came to her as smallish Jack Russell pup and is now a rotund adult. Sorry Diane, but he is a little hefty. Not that I have room to talk with my 70 pound Basset, Bruce.

We had a trip planned to "Dog Town USA" in Utah where most of the Vick dogs ended up. We never made it.

The last time I spoke to Diane was a week before she left us. I called to say hi and see how the chemo went. She was loopy ... way loopy. But she still managed to smile through the phone. We made plans to get together soon, said I love you and hung up. I never spoke to her again.

When bad things happen to good people we try to make sense of it. This was hard to do this time. Diane was nothing but good. But in the end it did teach me to cherish people and your time with them. The phrase "Time is short" is used a lot but its so very true. Don't put off that lunch with your friend. Don't delay that call to your mom or dad that you keep putting off because life gets in the way. Because that's what life is. Its your bonds with your fellow humans. Its your love for that friend that one day is gone and you pray that they know how much you loved them.

Diane, I love you and will miss you very much.

It's the law !

2009-05-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

I find myself apologizing to my parents a lot lately. Maybe I'm making up for all the bad things I did as a teen and never said sorry.

My mom come to visit a few days ago to see "Dancing With The Stars". She's a huge fan. I mean huge! She knows Gilles voting number by heart. Now remember this is the same woman that has to look up her own cell number ! And mine !

Anyway, this brings me to my point ... Waterboarding. I know ... Dancing with the stars? A visit from mom? What the hell does this have to do with water boarding? If you know me you know I have to give a 20 minute back story so I don't make a reference that's goes over your head. I'm not sure how the subject came up while watching morning TV over coffee (I'm sure it was that Hasselbeck women's fault) but it did. My partner and I agreed that "Yes, any prisoner should be subjected to any kind of torture ... laws be damned!" ... "If you bomb America and kill innocent people why the hell should you be free from the horrors of anything?!?!?". My mothers outlook on this was ... "its the law". Plain and simple. "Its against the law to waterboard or any other form of torture." And then she said something about Bush or Chaney lying about it. That's when I stopped listening. He still makes my skin crawl, but that's for another blog. And yes, waterborading is a form of torture. We all know it. Anyway ... she's right. Its all here in black and white, in the Geneva Convention ...

Chapter II : Wounded and sick

ARTICLE 12

Members of the armed forces and other persons mentioned in the following Article, who are wounded or sick, shall be respected and protected in all circumstances.
They shall be treated humanely and cared for by the Party to the conflict in whose power they may be, without any adverse distinction founded on sex, race, nationality, religion, political opinions, or any other similar criteria. Any attempts upon their lives, or violence to their persons, shall be strictly prohibited; in particular, they shall not be murdered or exterminated, subjected to torture or to biological experiments; they shall not wilfully be left without medical assistance and care, nor shall conditions exposing them to contagion or infection be created. Only urgent medical reasons will authorize priority in the order of treatment to be administered. Women shall be treated with all consideration due to their sex. The Party to the conflict which is compelled to abandon wounded or sick to the enemy shall, as far as military considerations permit, leave with them a part of its medical personnel and material to assist in their care.

Now of course I have heard of the Geneva Convention in high school, oh so many years ago. But I didn't care. I stood my ground. All three of us did. As we "discussed", we, OK ... I got louder as I tend to do. We finally agreed to disagree on this topic. At least that's how I would like to remember it ended.

But over the last few days I got to thinking, a past time I don't recommend. It leads to introspective thoughts and soul searching. And apologies. I got to thinking ... was my mother against torture or was she apposed to it because we as a country agreed not to torture? So I called her. Turns out its both. So I agreed ... if we break this law what other laws can/will we break in the name of war? In the name of religion? In the name of human rights? We have to stand taller then countries that don't abide by these laws. Because if we don't we are no better then they are.

Once again mom you have opened my eyes.

We are what we dog

2009-03-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

Are our dogs a reflection of us? Like our kids?

We bathe them, feed them, shelter them. Some of us even clothe them. We love them, scold them and yes even send them to school. Our dogs are treated like family.

I was walking Louis today (the other two didn't want to come, really, they didn't) and as we walked by a house in our neighborhood a dog came running at us. Soon followed by a girl about 11 years old. It was a small dog but that's not the point. Poor Louis was so surprised that he let out a blood curdling yelp. He wasn't hurt, just startled. I yelled at the girl "Get your dog out of here!" She started to apologize left, right and center. I, being the adult that I am, gave her a glare that would have turned anyone to stone, grabbed Louis and stomped off like I was injured. I can hear it now, "Mommy, who was that grumpy old man?"

Our pets are our lives. I'm not telling you animal lovers anything new. I have lived on my own since I was 17 and my first pet outside of my parents home was Austin, a cat from the North Hollywood pound. He lived until the age of 19. I finally had to put him down and I don't think I had ever felt such pain. I had experienced lost before, grandparents, friends. But this was different. I'm not going to say it was a worse pain then losing a grandparent or friend, that would be cold, right? But it was a different kind of loss. With in 2 months of Austin's passing I got the girls, Ursula and Squeaky, two feral cats from Park La Brea. They are now 10 (and living happily with our 3 dogs).

When I finally got a house of my own I made a trip to the city pound, even before Home Depot. I could not bare a house without a dog. Thank goodness my partner was on the same page. Sometimes I think he is even nuttier them I am when it comes to the boys. We even fight over how they should be "disciplined".

We as pets owners take offence when someone says our dog is fat, ugly or stupid. We REALLY do. I have had heated arguments about Bruce's' weight. For the record ... he's just right for a basset and all comments to the contrary will be deleted. What have these beast's done that we have taken them into our homes and lavished upon them all that we have to offer?

I'll tell you. They protect us, love us, humor us, depend on us and worship us. They make us laugh and cry. They are waiting for us at the end of the day when everyone has gotten on our last nerve ... they are the one waiting at the door to lavished upon us unconditional love.

This blog is dedicated to Coco ... Devon and Todd's basset who passed away recently. And to all the pets we have lost over the years.

We'll meet again at the bridge.

Thoughts ...

2009-03-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

Thoughts ... my dog is barking. I hate it when he barks. All I can see is the neighbors sitting in their living rooms saying "That's that damn basset again! I thought they were mellow dogs?" So did we.

Thoughts ... do we get tattoos for ourselves or for others to see? I know I got mine for me. But I can also see it, on my arm. What about people who get it on their backs?

Thoughts ... I always wanted to be an actor. But fear got the best of me. Fear that I want it so bad if I tried and failed I would die.

Thoughts ... I also want to be a rock star ... but I guess not as bad as I want to be an actor ... I've karaoked.

Thoughts ... are dogs really color blind?

Thoughts ... my great Aunt has Alzheimer's. I think of her a lot.

Thoughts ... I think of the friends that I have on FaceBook that I haven't spoken to in years but I still accepted the "friend request". Why ?

Thoughts ... I think of the "friends" on FB that I have ignored and feel guilty. But not as guilty as I feel when I think of that chocolate I ate today.

Thoughts ... I think of Cancun with my family. I think of all the laughs we have. I think of my nephew learning to love the pool and ocean.

Thoughts ... I think how some country songs could be the theme song to my life.

Thoughts ... I think how lucky I am to have my family.

Thoughts ... I think of the friends that I have lost over the years. I miss them.

Thoughts ... I think of the friends that I still have in my life. I smile.

Thoughts ... I think of my partner. I smile even bigger.

I look back on this blog and see it was totally self indulgent, sorry.

Perez Hilton ... I hate you

2009-03-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

OK, hate might be a strong word. But I mean really! Who does he thing he is? The King of the Blogsphere? A friend who reads his blog faithfully said a while ago he posted something about an "A" list actor and how he should come out of the closet and be an example to all the kids out their that are still in the closet. Really? I've heard this a lot from others in the gay community. Others with a much better reputation then Mr Hilton.

And since when was Hollywood the thermometer up the ass of society? Do people really look to Hollywood for moral guidance? I don't know about you but I got mine from my parents and my upbringing. I would never bash "Glitzville" (as I make my living there) but I know how those people work. I've lived here to long not to.

I guess we have two separate issues here. One, does an actor (or any one for that matter) have a moral obligation to come out in order to make it easier for others to follow? And two, if they choose not to come out is it people like Hiltons' job to out them?

I came out to my parents when I was 16/17 years old. I was very lucky ... it was not a huge deal. Or at least that's how I remember it. In contrast, I had a friend come out and his parents packed his bags and told him to leave. He was 16!

Coming out is a very personal decision. Not everyone is lucky to have parents like me. Many, many parents (and I use the term loosely) would rather their children live on the street then have them under their roof. Would rather them live from one cardboard box to another then have them live under their roof. Would rather them be at the mercy of thugs in the streets then under their roofs.

They don't take into consideration that their child is a loving, caring human being. All they see is gay. They don't take into consideration that this child they are tossing to the curb has feelings. That this child has the ability to love another human. None of this is seen. All they see is gay and what they think gay is.

It's not a surprise that kids don't come out. Look at what they have to loose. Yes ... in a perfect world a kid would say "Mom, dad ... I'm gay". Mom would tear up and say "Oh honey, we love you". Dad would pick up the phone ... "Fred its Harry. My son is gay. Have a cigar!" One day.

On the flip side I know many parents (including mine) who support their children 100% ... here's to you !

Anyway Mr Hilton ... the decision as to when someone should come out is NOT yours to make. Its the individuals. Stop being so damn arrogant. But I guess that's what "sells" your blog.

Jealousy? Jealousy? Table for one?

When did this happen?

2009-03-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

I got out of the shower this morning ... panting ! When did I become this Water Buffalo? Not long ago I was spinning 5 days a week, eating veges and reveling in the praises "OMG David ! You look great !" Yes, I did. I had shed 18 pounds in 8 weeks. The weight loss showed mostly in my face. For you see I have been blessed with a "moon" face. I am also a moon child (cancerian). I like the moon, I would just prefer not to look so ... round. When I lose weight I actually get cheek bones.

For 8 weeks I was on a strict weight loss program with a nutritionist and work out program. Up at 530am to a 6am spinning class. My spinning instructors were two women who I learned to hate like you hate the cheerleaders in high school. Perky, thin and ever so cheer full. Who the hell needed that at 6am 5 days a week? When I got home I had a bowl of oatmeal (steel cut of course) or a banana (but not more than 3 a week) for breakfast.

I cut out all dairy,chicken,sugar,soy,bread and alcohol. I limited my red meat intake as well as fish (mercury you see). Cutting out dairy meant I had to cut out cheese in my omelet, milk in my latte and yogurt. I did all my shopping at Whole Foods or Trader Joe's. Its not cheap to eat healthy. I was in bed by 10pm every night so I wouldn't miss my spinning class. I stayed away from friends who liked to eat out at "un-healthy" places. I missed many a party in the Hollywood Hills. EIGHT weeks this went on for ... PLUS I managed to go to Cancun for a week and LOSE a pound !

WHAT HAPPENED ???

I'll tell you what happened ... life. Work happened. Business meetings happened. The holidays happened. Party's happened. ETC ! Its takes a lot out of a person to keep up that kind of lifestyle.

Now if you are one of those freaks (he says lovingly) that has no problem with all this and it just kind of comes naturally ... never mind.

I do plan to get back on the wagon ... soon. I still have my Golds membership, my shorts and my t's. All nicely folded in my drawer waiting for me to take them out into the light of day again.

Better off without ?

2009-02-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

I was lucky enough to know and remember all four of my grandparents.

My grandfather on my mothers side was the first to leave us. I was 7 or 8 when he died and I remember him as a tall man with graying hair and a pipe. I still love the smell of pipes. The war had left him with a wooden leg. Because of this the English government gave him a small one person car. It was almost like the car a clown drives in a circus. I remember sitting on the floor between the seat and door hiding because he was not allowed to have anyone else in the car. And to be honest their really wasn't room for anyone other then a small child. But he would take me on rides all the time, whenever my mother wasn't looking.

My grandmother was a typical English granny (Nannie to me). She was short, round and always had a gentle word for me. Unless she caught me picking her snapdragons from her garden.

I still find it hard to resist the temptation to pick one when I pass a garden. After my grandfather died she came to live with us. My sister and I were lucky enough to live in the same house with her while we grew up. When she died with her family by her side she was 93.

My fathers dad Opa (dutch for grandfather) was also a tall man. He and my grandmother, Oma (dutch for grandmother) lived in Florida, where I was born, for years. They lived on a huge piece of property near where the circus people lived in the winter (that circus reference again, weird). I loved visiting and watching the elephants eat.

My grandparents also had cats and a basset. I'm not sure its because of them but I now have 2 cats and 3 bassets. Oma was a quite, loving grandmother. She spoke 3 languages and it was fun to listen to her talk to my dad and his sisters in Spanish then turn to my grandfather and speak dutch and then to me and my cousins in English. Opa was a little HARD OF HEARING and one day I got my head caught in the power windows of his tank-like Oldsmobile.

Oh the memories.

I do have a point to this little walk down memory lane. A good friend of mine is having a hard time with her mother. So hard in fact that they have not spoken in months. My friend, I'll call her "Jane", has two lovely little girls and has decided that because of past and present behavior her mother, I'll call her Mary, she has cut all ties with her and has not allowed her the see the girls. Harsh? I have known this family for 14 years and have seen first hand what Grand Ma Mary is capable of. Now my opinion is just that, my opinion. It's not my family and I will never be in the position that they are in.

But it brings me to this question ...

"Do grandparents automatically have the right to be in the grand kids lives just due to the fact that they are blood?"

Some say that you have to have the grandparents involved or you are depriving the children. What if the grandparents are not nice people? Just because you are a grandmother or grandfather does not mean you are a good person. My partner has horrible memories of this grandmother and the terrible things she would say and do.

I have seen my friend Jane and her husband with their girls. You could not ask for more loving parents. They also have a huge extended family of friends. Is that enough?Will these girls grow up resenting mom and dad from keeping them from their grandparents? Or will they thank them later in life for making their childhood one of pleasant memories?

Thank you Grand Dad, Nannie, Oma and Opa for wonderful memories I will never forget.

Gay Marriage

2009-01-21T20:12:00.000-08:00

I have a partner. We have been together 14 years. We have a mortgage, two cars payments, full time jobs, 3 dogs, two cats, etc.. We're not married. Oh did I mention that we love each other?

According to the government I can't get married like straight couples. Or can I? I also have many female friends that I truly love. I have a friend that I have know for 19 years and another friend I have known for 30 (ouch, seeing that in writing really hurts). And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I love them like a loving straight marriage, minus the sex.

We have cried together, laughed together, grieved together, and celebrated together. We know each others secrets. We know how to push each others buttons. We call one another in the middle of the night when we're scared. We are happy for each other when we get raises and we are there for one another when we get fired and need a helping hand.

How many people get married for reasons other then love? Citizenship, health insurance, a baby? What happened to marrying for love? Yes, I know a lot of people do, but I'm sure many others do it for the reasons I just mentioned. I don't see the Mormons spending $30,000,000 (how many starving children would that have fed?) trying to stop "Married Couples Who Have A Kid But Hate Each Other". As long as they are "Man and Woman" it's all good. Does love fall into play at all with these people? I'm just picking on the Mormons because they just seem to be the most out spoken entity standing between me and my "Happily ever after". Does love even matter?

Not according to 7,001,084 Californians and many other Americans. As long as you are the opposite sex as your intended you can marry. So, here is what I propose boys ... marry your best girl. Call her right now and set a date. Then call the Beverly Wilshire and reserve the Grand Ball Room. Call the florist and order those roses. Call the caterer and order all the chicken and fish your 200 guests can eat. Call that 70's/80's revival band that specializes in ABBA songs.

Then call the church because you are marring the woman of your dreams.

Gloria Allred please stand-by.

On the eve of history ...

2009-01-19T19:23:00.000-08:00

I saw part of the HBO special "We are one" last night and I'm really pissed I missed most of it. But is has inspired my blog today.

A few months ago I was driving home from work talking to my father on the cell. At the time I was still "Obama, McCain, Obama, McCain". My father, being the full on Democrat that he is, was trying to "campaign" one more vote for Obama. Let me remind you ... the man is a retired Air Force Major with 20 military years under his belt. He is also the father of a gay man and my biggest supporter (as well as my mother and sister). Now you know why I am thankful everyday. Anyway ... he said something about Obama and Kennedy in the same sentence and I snapped "Obama is NO Kennedy!" I think back now and cringe about my reaction. First of all, I was not even born when he was elected and only a year and a half old when he was killed by an assassin's bullet's. Second, I had no idea WHY that struck a cord in me. To this day it baffles me.

Obviously I was not of age for the Kennedy administration but I have heard and seen enough footage to understand a bit of the emotion the country was feeling. I have been watching the news a lot lately and I have to say ... I get very emotional when I see and hear President Elect Obama. I'm not sure if its the fact that I'm so tired of the mess this country is in and just want a change or if its just that he has "something" and I want so hard for him to just make it better. Probably a little of both. We need help and both Democrats and Republicans know it. With that said I also have to say I am afraid of what the future has to bring. I truly believe that President Elect Obama will be in constant danger. I pray I am wrong.

I have a very diverse group of friends. And they all have opinion's. Some are truly opinions but others they to pass them off as fact. They have formed these facts after they heard a spouse or friend mention it. And with out fact checking ... poof ... it has now become their opinion at the next cocktail party. I fell into that category for a long time. My ex-partner was somebody I was with for 15 years and as far as I was concerned his opinion was law. If he said water was dry ... it was. Not because he was arrogant about his opinions or anything it was just that I looked up to him. I am now older and wiser and have learned that I have my own opinion. And in doing so I need back up. I need to research it. I never (well, rarely) get into heated arguments anymore unless I have back up. Sh*t ... I lost my point ! Yes ... the opinions I hear about Obama ... are based on emotion, hate, fear and unfortunately racism. As well as the frustration of an out going president that they had put their trust in and deep down inside they know has let them down.

Isn't that what racism really is? Fear of that we don't know and understand? But fear of what? Fear that if we took the time we might actually like each other? And even if we don't, do we have to hate so much? I know Rodney King will never be able to live down what he said that has entered him into the LA history books, but really ... Why cant we all just get along? Is it that hard? Am I that naive for asking?

I'm starting to babble. But its my blog and I'll babble if I want to.

Happy Inauguration Day and cheers to a better tomorrow.

What's next?

2009-01-17T13:29:00.001-08:00

Let me start by saying PETA is a great organization. They are always at the forefront of animal protection. That being said ... have you seen the new campaign? "Save the sea kittens"? I mean really. They are aiming it at children in hopes that they will grow up to be vegetation's.

"People don't seem to like fish. They're slithery and slimy, and the have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads - which is weird, to say the least."

"Sea Kittens are just as intelligent(not to mention adorable)as dogs and cats... "

Really? Sea Kittens? Please ! As most of you know I adore animals. As a kid we always had a pet that was treated like a member of the family. As an adult I've had pets, today I have 3 dogs, 2 cats and until recently, 3 fish (ha ! Sea Kittens if you will). I am also a realist. Humans have been eating animals since he first invented dipping sauce. But I also believe animals should be treated humanely (that's why I voted for Prop 8). I'm sorry but the majority of the world will continue to eat meat until the end of time.

And what about the snails people eat. Sorry, escargot. You know you have, dripping in butter and garlic. I don't see PETA defending them. Is it because they don't look like Nemo?

Mmmm ... lets see, this ...

or this ...

I think their comes a point where we have to say "Yes I love animals but I also eat meat." I have tried to live the vegan life. Worst 24 hours of my life. I missed the cheese, the milk (foot note here - I do think humans consume to much milk, more later), I missed the fish and everything else that comes with being a carnivore. We as humans need protein from meat. Otherwise why would they include in that pyramid we all learned in school? Yes I know that nuts are also included in with the meats but it must be good for us, just ask the Cattlemens Association.

Now on the flip side ... I did go with out milk and milk products for 8 weeks when I was on a strict workout program and I did feel better. I guess its kind of unnatural for a species to continue to drink milk after being "weaned". But I really missed it. Maybe its about balance. A little milk in your coffee, fresh vege's with a chicken breast. I'm not a nutritionist by any means but I think balance is a good thing.

It seems I have strayed from my point.

Ok, next ...

2009-01-12T13:19:00.000-08:00

So I guess that was the correct button, very cool! My first blog has been posted. Now what? According to the book written by "The Huffington Post" (yes, I did start it) I should write about what I know. I know about a lot of things. Travel, fashion, art, animal rescue, gay issues, music, cooking and so on. The book (yes THE book, because as far as I'm concerned it's the Bible for a first time blogger) also it said I should stick to a single subject. Sorry, but I have way to many opinions to just rant and rave about only one thing week after week. That brings me to another point ... do people really care what I have to say? Enough to come back every day? Even every week? I hope so. If not I'll just consider this a cheap form of therapy.

I'm betting that if you have a blog you are as addicted as I am. If you don't have one ... start one! It's like owning your own newspaper or magazine, minus the office rental space and employees demanding raises every time the price of living goes up.

My mornings now follow the same routine ... I take a blogpill in the morning with my late followed by a FaceBook chaser and then I say good morning to my partner. Hey, in the world of blogging you have to keep up with the competition and time are "hits". Before I started today's post I was surfing other blogs. I came across everything from one on the Community of West Hills to one about the adventures of a blue bear to one that I have no idea what it's about ... but that's blogs for you. Endless information, some use full and some worthless. I hope mine makes you think or at least gives you a chuckle.

One of my fav quotes from The Book is "It pays to be truthful in real life and on the web". So I promise to be honest in all of my postings, no matter how much it hurts.

BTW ... I've been listening to Elvis as I wrote this and can I say ... he STILL rocks !

So until next time ...

A little T M I

2008-12-31T13:59:00.000-08:00

I was partly inspired to start a blog by a friend of mine who walked across Spain. Who knew people did that? I really looked forward to her daily entries, it made me feel like I was walking along side her, minus the foot sores and bad hair days. I wanted my blog to be a place where I kept my thoughts and ideas about my upcoming trip to Utah in February. I plan to volunteer at Best Friends. (www.BestFriends.org). This is where the Michael Vick dog's ended up. They took them in and started the long process of rehabilitating them so they might find a permanent home where they would find love and be cared for. That's what I had in mind for my blog a few days ago. But in the last few hours my blog had turned into something completely different.

A little back history ...

I am addicted to book stores. Every chance I get I roam the aisles looking at all the books lining the shelves begging me to pick them up and indulge myself between their covers. Now don't get the wrong impression here ... I am not some eyeglassed-clip-tie-wearing-pocket-protector kind of guy. Far from it. I happen to pride myself on the fact that I can throw together an outfit at the drop of a hat. But that's for another entry. I guess if the truth be told maybe its more about the fact that in these book stores are the things that really get me going ... journals. I must have two dozen notebooks with in hands reach right now in various stages of entry's. Leather bound one's from Italy, some with plastic covers with monkeys crawling off the edges. I have a little tiny red that reminded me of the Pope's red leather Prada shoes, no bigger than 2 x 4 (and if you knew my handwriting you would know how impractical that one is) to one as big as 6 x 12 that barely fits in by bag. I have them stashed in the glove compartment in my car as well as the side pocket next to the drivers seat AND passenger side (in case a friend needs to jot down the recipe for Meatloaf Surprise). They are everywhere. But back to the task at hand, my blog. For reasons I just named I realized I needed to consolidate these thoughts. What better place to share my views on war, animal rights, Obama, family, relationships, the job I have, the job I want to have, gay marriage then a blog for the whole world to see?

Are blogs just a place for all of us wanna-be-writers to be self indulgent? A place to voice our opinions that is safe and self-righteous? Am I starting to sound like Carrie Bradshaw?

On one of my trips to my fav bookstore I saw a book "The Huffington Post Complete Guide To Blogging". It was fate. So I bought it. That was four days ago and I haven't opened it yet. Those of you who know me know how much I am into "instant gratification". So of course before I read a book on blogging and how to get started, how to get it noticed and how to make an impact I need to just dive in with no lifeguard on duty! Needless to say future posts my be very different as I do plan to read the book.

I had a friend preview my first entry before I posted it. She sent it back with corrections, spelling and format. As I look back on this post ... it's nothing like that first draft. It was all about my childhood pets, an encounter with a rabid squirrel, my love for animals and so on. But since a few days ago my plans have changed. I wont be going to Utah until June or July so I didn't have this urgent need for a blog. Or so I thought. This blogging thing is FUN! It's so different then writing in my leather journals. So for better or worse I have decided to just type. Errors and all. Type what I am feeling right now on this sunny Saturday afternoon in So Cal. Who knows, maybe future entry's might have some clear form of consciousness. I do plan to blog about my trip to Utah so stick with me and read all about it. In the mean time I plan to have fun with this blog thing. And I can finally get rid of all those damn notebooks. Or can I ?

Ok ... so I have finished my first entry. Now what? How do I post it? I see two buttons on the bottom of the page ... do I push "PUBLISH POST"?